A few tips to help your child feel more confident.
Closure, timidity, self-doubt. If you notice that your child is growing insecure, you need to pay serious attention to this, since his further development in this direction will contribute to the appearance of unnecessarily complex, difficult communication, and as a result will lead to the inability in adult life to make decisions independently. And the sooner you turn your parental attention to this important point, the sooner you will save yourself and your child from possible problems, both existing and future.
Unsure of themselves and their abilities, children feel uncomfortable both at breaks and in games with peers, and even less so in the lesson where they need to show their knowledge. Uncertain children, knowing all the teaching material, are afraid to answer lessons in front of the class, do not raise their hands, afraid to make any mistake. Unsure children, underestimate their abilities and capabilities, they are most often unhappy with how they look. Having matured, such children and adolescents are difficult to converge with people, as they underestimate themselves. Most often, uncertain children and adolescents are accompanied in life by feelings of doubt, anxiety, shame, guilt, and sadness. The picture is bleak, isn't it? And if at home such children do not find support and attention from loved ones, such a situation can turn into a terrible tragedy.
How to act so that the child does not feel insecure and is not conceited? Here are some tips to help your son or daughter feel happier and more confident without falling into megalomania:
The main key to confidence will be called right away. This is your love. Not blind adoration, but love. When the child feels that they love him, no matter what. For a son or daughter to feel this, it is not enough to find the right words. One must truly love.
And then your feeling will be manifested in all your actions and words, strictly you say, kindly or joking. Children feel the main thing without fail.
Your feeling will warm the child and build confidence in him, which helps not to become depressed or, on the contrary, complacency from each comment.
How to love a child so that he really feels it, it warms him and forms in him the basis for a healthy perception of himself, for independence from the “carrot and stick” in the form of praise or criticism of the first comer? It is pretty simple.
Go back mentally to your pregnancy, for example. Did you wait for some special child (beautiful, smart) or were you ready to love the one who comes to your family? Warm it, give warmth to those who will be with you, regardless of any of its qualities? Despite any troubles and situations? The correct answer, as you know, is the second.
And the question is not how you express it to the child. You educate him, so he should receive a different reaction to his different actions. It is important that you yourself, in spite of what you say and what kind of behavior you demonstrate, remember that you love.
Let's say you have two children. One of them is unrealistically talented in English, the other in mathematics. Imagine praising them for their English results. Every day, Sasha brings “five” from the foreign school, and Varia - “three.”
Every time Sasha is encouraged, Varia is scolded, despite the fact that Sasha is given the subject very easily, and Varia with difficulty, but she tries. The son is conceited, although he makes no effort, and imagining himself exceptional, he can stop trying in other directions.
A daughter who, quite likely, does everything possible and impossible - and still gets low marks, simply survives some despair and frustration - and can give up on achieving a result in principle, or on your objectivity. Start skipping classes or concentrating on completely different things. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to what your child is making efforts to and encourage them.
A small pedagogical secret: you can create a special diary “for your efforts”, put grades in it for daily efforts not only in school matters, but also in a variety of directions. Encourage efforts in various ways - going to the zoo, planetarium, cinema ... let the incentives, in themselves, be developing (not candy-cake) - we won’t bring up a little glutton!
Let the child make different decisions in the course of the day and in general in life. It also experiences the consequences of its decisions and learns about responsibility. This will allow him to feel like a small adult and truly grow, develop.
Do not compare with other children
No need to compare the child with Petya, Masha from the next entrance and your imaginary ideal son. Admit to yourself that such comparisons are banal envy and inability to love a child.
And this inability (see point one) can have a very negative impact not only on his self-esteem, but also on life in general. Motivate him not with the example of other children, but with the opportunity to show your talents, paint a picture, invent and invent something interesting ... that is, creative things. Then the child will not be nervous about the successes of others (and build his self-esteem depending on what Katya received today in Russian), but will pay more attention to his own successes.
Create worthy heroes for your child
It’s good to set an example ... yes, real heroes. To which you will not jump right away. This will give the child inspiration and strength. Let the children know about heroic personalities who inspire not just success, but personal character or amazing actions.
Following some interesting ideal and striving to achieve a high goal will give the child a lot of energy - and he simply will not have time and desire to think about how they laughed at him yesterday.
In order to inspire a child in this way, you really need to try, but it's worth it.
Do not praise the child too selflessly. In this way, you can get a bias when your student just soars in his own laurels, relaxes and begins to “shake”, thinking that he has already achieved everything. Laziness and complacency are not our goal.
Remember that encouraging is better than diligence - but in moderation. Let the child’s motive for activity in general be not praise, but dedication, the process itself.
This, of course, goes without saying. If you insult a person as a person, then you risk simply losing his confidence. Remember that it is important to criticize actions, the wrong expression of emotions, and not the child himself. Let him understand that he can do EVERYTHING.
The main thing is to want and constantly try.
Appearance and other problems
If the child is complex due to appearance or stuttering, for example, efforts must be made to correct the deficiency, if this is actually done. This will simplify the life of your child and focus it on the right things.
If this is difficult to do, then in fact this is another chance to teach your son or daughter to understand that he / she is not just a “bespectacled man” or “stutter”, but much more. He has an inner world, goals, hobbies ... finally, expand the horizons of your shy schoolchild. Think of the theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking! Here is who, it would seem, could only be discouraged - but instead of cycling only on himself, he thought about the Cosmos.
Perhaps the child is a nerd at school, or the teachers hang on him the label “trio” (although in some subjects he can be very gifted). Or maybe someone is up against him at the moment. Somewhere his problems are the key for you in terms of what you need to work on his character, perhaps turn to a psychologist.
Criticism often points out significant issues. Both pupils and parents. Perhaps we ourselves are missing something in education. Nevertheless, find for him a society of people close to his interests, one where he can play chess, make music, create something - and he will be appreciated not for his appearance, not for banal indicators, but for the activity that he engaged in.
ATTENTION: very often children are embarrassed to tell parents about their unpopularity at school or even that they are simply “poisoned”. They are afraid to share precisely because of insecurity, fear of disapproval and "ugliness" of the situation.
Therefore, the search for an interesting society of children, alternative to school, where the child could be “unloaded” and inspired - a very good step to make your child feel happier and more confident.
More on expanding horizons
Try to talk, or while at school, try to understand what criteria seem to be especially important for a child in order to be “his” in his society.
And try to “undermine” these criteria, that is, not to question them (appearance, cool phone), but to explain to him how much more interesting everything is and how many important and good qualities a person has. Introduce him to people who have completely different qualities, unusual for a child, talent, sense of humor, courage ... even if, showing his less familiar positive qualities in their presence, the child feels more confident and understands that development can be endless.
Then, if classmates call him a "loser" or his phone is not the most fashionable in the class, he will attach little importance to this. Perhaps he should go to a guitar club, a chess society, or another society that inspires him.
Be creative in expanding your child’s horizons.
The art of "small steps"
In most cases, assign the child tasks that he can successfully complete himself. If he succeeds, he will be inspired by success without undue praise and will try to take on a new business. Thus, his confidence in his abilities will grow.
Another important point - let him master complex abilities or skills a little bit. For example: he learns to cook or sew from the simplest tasks, and even if he makes the same thing several times, if he has mastered it, he will go on to a new one. Otherwise, he can simply squander his enthusiasm and lose faith in his own strength - something like adults in the midst of a too strict diet run to the refrigerator and then become discouraged and indulge in self-condemnation.
Explain how to deal with criticism and offensive remarks.
Explain to the child that criticism is not always bad. This is a way to understand what you should strive for. If someone offends him, let him think about whether it can be used somehow.
If, for example, they tell him that he is annoyingly talking at the blackboard, this is an opportunity to learn how to express himself in an interesting way - and become, in the future, maybe a TV presenter!
If you cannot learn anything from criticism (for example, “you are a fool”), then you should try not to pay attention to it and understand that other people may just have a bad mood or some difficulties in the family that prevent them from learning to do well to lead.
Be a mom and dad, not classmates
Mom and dad, who have clear principles and ideas about life, help a child to feel confident in life. That is, there are two points: firstly, you don’t need to be completely “equal”, giggling at others, share your problems with the child - if adults are infantile, the child loses the feeling of protection.
We must try to be both an inspiring ideal and truly adult, confident in what and why you are doing. Then the child will feel a "roof" over himself - and he will be much calmer and better. To do this, of course, you need to think about how to become more confident and mature yourself.
Dear parents, mothers and fathers, if you notice that your child is unsure of himself. First of all, he needs your support and help.
How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence. Parents of first graders and not only
On the eve of September 1, many parents of first-graders are worried: will their child’s life somehow form in the new children's team? Those whose children are changing schools think about the same thing, for example, they entered the 5th grade of a gymnasium. Is it possible to be sure that the child gets along with the teacher, finds friends, does not become an outcast? Yes - if he is doing well with self-esteem. And it’s never too late to strengthen it. Even for the two days remaining until September 1, you can take advantage of the advice of Dr. Pope.
About a hill and skates
Happened. Vaska and Mishka just can not. From sweat and ice, the pants stick to the legs, and the hair under the hat is as if soaped. “Congratulations, son! - Dad runs towards, waving his arms. - Why sobbed? He said it would never work out ?! ”
Nevertheless, I am a little angry with him. Why was it torturing me? I would have already moved down this hill, then, someday. I only learned how to stand on skates last winter, and here is this ice slide. It would be possible to get out of that hill, lower, and go home. No, he needs from the top. But in general it’s great: can I really? Tomorrow Vaska and Mishka will show - their jaws drop open.
“Actually, it was necessary first to move down that hill, lower, and tomorrow to climb higher in order to gradually complicate the task,” says Papa. - This I gave a blunder, I'm sorry.
“Yes, no,” I said, “lower,” this is for the kids, but I’m already six. In vain I whined, it was necessary to move out and that’s all, long ago I would have eaten pies at home.
Dad squinted somehow slyly, looked into my eyes, patted my shoulder and began to pull off my skates.
All evening my dad and I painted my boxing shirt in red. Competitions for the prize of the Central School of Higher Sports Excellence, my weight category is up to 34 kg. The coach says there will be strong rivals. Sucks under the spoon, but the mood is cheerful.
The trainer says I'm ready. Yesterday we worked with dad on the paw, I feel that my crown hook on the left has become even tougher. But sucks anyway, an unpleasant sensation.
Solar plexus. When you miss a beat to this place, sometimes you can’t breathe for a few seconds. It is necessary to keep the elbows narrower.
Here he is, my opponent, in the opposite corner. Below me, it will try to jump and enter close combat. My hands are long, I will keep my distance. Here is the gong. forward!
. Tinnitus, until there is a feeling that I have an edge. Shock exchange. The coach waves his hands, shouts something, but I don’t hear anything, some kind of hum. I see only the red sweaty panting physiognomy of this guy in front of him. The third round, there is no strength anymore, I barely stand on my feet. And suddenly.
- The ending! - somewhere below the ring I hear my father. This is our conditional signal - which means that 15 seconds remain before the end of the battle. It is necessary to stop saving energy and give everything in order to impress judges.
Something in me just boils, and I attack, showering a stunned and tired opponent with incessantly diverse series, and now my signature long hook on the left reaches the goal. Again and again. The guy staggers back into the corner of the ring. From nowhere come back to me strength, second wind.
Gong. Its end. I look at my father - he is all glowing and holds his thumb up. The referee approaches the judges, returns, and after a pause, holds my hand up. Hooray! I am the champion of TsSHVSM!
They handed the goblet, not wearing gloves - pressed it to his chest. The whole body aches, but the weakness is pleasant.
I’m going back to the corner of the ring, there the coach and dad are looking at my legs for some reason. I look - red trickles flow down them. Blood or what?
“No, son,” dad laughs. - Yesterday we added a little fixative to the paint.
Self-esteem and self-confidence
How can you quickly and without much effort on your part help your child strengthen his self-esteem and self-confidence?
Here's a simple way: in conversations with the child, let him feel understood and heard. To do this, use the paraphrase and refinement techniques that are often used by child psychologists and advanced parents: “Do you want this?”, “Do you mean that. "," If I understand you correctly, you. "," Interesting, tell me more about this "," What did you mean when you said. ".
A child growing up in an environment where they listen to him and try to understand, begins to do the same. And what do you feel about a person who is trying to understand you and is interested in your opinion? Other people will experience the same with your child. Will it affect his life? Of course. So little - and such an effect!
Convince the child that all problems are solvable, that everything is in order with him, that every person encounters difficulties from time to time. And it’s also very important: have fun and laugh more together. It is not so difficult if you think a little and organize the time correctly.
Experiences of success
Remember the so-called zone of proximal development. This is the level of complexity of skills and achievements that a person has not yet conquered, but considers quite feasible for himself.
This zone is different for everyone. It can (and should) be expanded by selecting tasks that seem difficult but doable for a child. And do not forget about (this is extremely important!) A violent reaction to victory and significant rewards for efforts (and not deprivation for failure).
Manifestations of love
Many parents, sincerely loving their children, either do not consider it necessary or do not know how to show their love. But the manifestation of love for a child can unexpectedly change that bad behavior that parents still have not been able to change directly. A happy and confident child rarely behaves badly. Obviously, it is the feeling that one loves him that creates a feeling of happiness, calmness and self-confidence.
Recall several ways of manifesting love.
Smile and eye contact. This simple channel of transmitting parental love is often used for other purposes, when the child is forced to look into the eyes of a parent who irritably expresses his indignation. An open smile is the easiest way to tell your child that they are accepting him, despite the fact that his parents would like to change his behavior, that he is okay and that he can count on parental sympathy, help and support.
Weasel and contact comfort. As they grow older, the child receives less and less parental affection, but needs it no less than younger children. Its deficit is especially pronounced among boys (primarily on the part of the fathers), since there is a widespread misconception in the society that affection can spoil the boys and prevent them from becoming courageous.
For each age, parents can choose their own forms of communication that provide the child with contact comfort, including a friendly encouraging pat on the back, floor wrestling, hair tousling, sympathetic shaking hands, etc.
Praise and support. Most parents pay attention to unacceptable child behavior, and adaptive behavior is considered the norm that does not require assessment. As a result, communication with a child is reduced to reproaches, threats and accusations, contact and the ability to influence behavior without resorting to force are lost.
In any child, an attentive parent will find many qualities for which he can be sincerely praised. The importance of emotional support in situations where a child is trying to achieve a certain result or makes a mistake is obviously and difficult to overestimate.
Words of love. From time to time, the child needs to hear from the parent that they love him and will always love him, regardless of his behavior or events that will occur in his life. The parents' clear expression of their feelings in words creates an atmosphere of sincerity and serves as an excellent model of open behavior for the child.
Granting freedom of action. As you grow older, especially during periods of crisis of the third year of life and adolescence, the child increasingly needs space to make his own decisions. The expansion of the degree of freedom should be consistent with the growing volume of skills. Without this, it is impossible to form a responsible person capable of independently building her life.
Hyperopec, especially the rejecting type, built on comments and reproaches, leads to infantilization, passivity, lower self-esteem, and an anxious and depressive emotional background. Giving freedom of action gives the child the opportunity to feel respect for himself and the significance of his opinion, which strengthens his confidence in his own abilities. All this stimulates the child to independent experiments with reality and enriches his life experience.
Unconditional attention (including co-creation). Unconditional attention is called the time given by parents to their child, when he chooses what to do. His initiatives help develop leadership skills, and his parents' attention helps strengthen family ties and a sense of self-worth. Of particular importance is joint creativity as an activity that stimulates the development of adaptive resources of the individual.