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How to cope with rejection

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A chronic sense of rejection has accompanied me for many years. I could not think that it and love almost always go together. Inside me, these feelings changed at such a speed that it seemed that I was about to be thrown overboard. Outcast found me in a variety of life situations, and the only thing left was to flee from myself, my emotions. What was it expressed in?

In childhood, my mother willingly shared with me life experiences and the notorious female wisdom. Using my own example, I showed how to live, and I absorbed the example with each skin cell. You had to be wise, understanding, not pay attention to problems, close your eyes to the unpleasant truth, pretend that everything is in order. It doesn’t matter what is tearing you apart. After all, if you show it, voice feelings, a terrible thing can happen: a man can leave you, and then you will be left alone.

This approach has been traced in all the stories of the mother. Of course, she did not use such formulations, because she confesses to shame and pain to admit her fear of being abandoned or even allowing the thought that they might leave you. Why? Because this rejection in the life of a mother had already happened once upon a time in childhood.

This is a paradox of the psyche - we are afraid of what has already happened. Therefore, the mechanisms of mental protection try to protect us from the re-living of pain. To prevent internal monsters from escaping, it requires tremendous energy, maximum voltage. To minimize pain, Mom unconsciously shared it with me through her stories, and temporary relief came for her. However, she, of course, was not aware that she was writing a script for the life of a child.

Recognition is what really makes you take a deep breath. This was the first thing I started working on myself.

But what about me? I adopted my mother’s attitude and was also a “wise woman”. Obvious facts indicating a betrayal of her husband, I did not seem to notice. Why? In order not to face the terrible feeling that they will leave me. Denial allows you to deceive yourself, providing a stay in the world of illusions. Indeed, the truth is so difficult that it seems impossible to bear it.

Recognition is what really makes you take a deep breath. This was the first thing I started working on myself. She admitted that it really hurts me, that this pain is inside me and she needs a place.

This step was hard for me. This is how to enter cold water - you need to violently want it, gather all your will into a fist and dive. Scary, unpleasant. Water from all sides burns an unprepared body. But when the crisis of the first step is overcome, amazing things begin to happen: self-awareness in a new space. This is also a painful process, and you need to go through it too. Crisis and temporary discomfort make development possible, and this is the positive side of overcoming.

What can be done at this stage? Allow yourself to be with this experience, feel it. You can describe your feelings in detail on paper - in which part of the body this pain lives, how it looks, what size and color, how old she is. You can draw her and get to know her. Detailing transforms our internal state from something incomprehensible to something completely concrete, which has certain boundaries - dimensions, shape, name.

This technique allows you not to displace the pain, not to hide it, but rather, to make it visible and understandable, to bring it out. And with this outwardly it is already possible to work further.

For me, the method of free association has been very effective. Exercise is best done in silence and in a relaxed state. Take a piece of paper and a pen, formulate your sore subject. In my case, “I feel lonely.” Column 16 associations to your keyword phrase. Associations must be expressed in one word and can be in the form of a noun, adjective or verb.

It is necessary to write immediately, spontaneously, everything that comes to mind. Thinking is unnecessary, since it is spontaneity that will be the answer of the unconscious. Even if you think the idea is shameful, immoral or some other, write it. Do not rate. You cannot repeat words, they must be different.

Combine the 16 interpretations received in pairs - the first with the second, the second with the third. So you get 8 pairs. For each pair, write down one more image, which also group in two. For each pair, select one more unifying value. And so on, until we get one single word - one deep thought related to your problem.

What is it for you? What thoughts, images, feelings arise? You have probably experienced similar conditions? Think about when and with whom? Under what circumstances?

This is the healing process - pulling out hidden emotions, recognizing their existence

Reflecting on this, you release the deepest experience, make it understandable, clothe it in concrete forms. It may take several weeks or months to understand the meaning of the keyword. Forcing the process is not worth it. Just stay with this thought, and after some time, the subconscious mind will issue a solution. This will certainly happen, because our psyche is designed so that through naming and speaking, the healing mechanism is launched.

When associations are brought to the surface, you can proceed to the next step - creating a new picture of yourself. Think about how you would like to live if you had no such problem? Just dream, allow yourself to imagine it. Feel your sensations in the new type. Remember what thoughts, feelings, images, sensations in the body arise at this moment.

By such actions, you record in the subconscious mind a new positive experience, another reality. This is the healing process - pulling out hidden emotions, recognizing their existence. By allowing yourself a new life scenario, you are creating an internal resource. When the inner integrity comes, you are no longer tormented by emotions and experiences incomprehensible to this, because you have already lived, accepted and transformed them. And this provides a huge resource for achieving any result, including in order to be happy.

Elena Lyunina - psychologist of an analytical direction. Works with fears, complexes, guilt, self-doubt.

Stop the internal critic

The very first thing you need to do is to stop the process of digging yourself and searching for reasons in yourself.

Recognize that an unpleasant situation has occurred in which you have suffered damage. This is an occasion to sympathize with yourself.

- Yes, it turned out unpleasantly. It is especially painful because it is so unexpected.

You can cry - so the pain will come out faster. You can hug yourself or pat on the head.

Restoring self-esteem

When rejected, the question often pops up: "What if something is wrong with me?" There is a great temptation to devalue yourself by seeing only what can be condemned.

This exercise will help you not slide into condemnation and, at a minimum, see that you have qualities in you that you can be loved, respected and accepted for.

Remember, and it’s better to write down 5 of your qualities that you value especially highly in yourself.

Rank these qualities in terms of importance to you.

Describe the two most important qualities in more detail. Why do you value them so much as they affect your life. What good things have happened in your life thanks to them. Who else appreciates these qualities in you.

Meet the need for accessories

As I wrote above, having felt the pain of rejection, a person tries to socially isolate himself so as not to run into it again. But this is just the case when it is worth knocking out a wedge with a wedge.

To overcome the feeling of rejection, you need to seek help and support from other people and get acceptance from them. Social support reminds us that we are not alone and this returns a sense of belonging to society. and with it the courage to show oneself. Think about whether there is some group or some person in which you are likely to be accepted? Even in a virtual format?

Before turning to a specific person for support, it is important to assess his ability to understand the situation and provide assistance so as not to get hurt again. An obstacle to communicating with a particular person may be her inability to express her own feelings or the habit of blaming and giving intrusive advice instead of showing empathy.

If there are no people who could share your feelings and be on your side, then you can use your imagination.

Remember some warm moments of communication from your past. When you felt good in the company of other people. You may recall what part of the large groups you are. This may be nationality, religion, groups of people with the same hobbies, etc. The main thing is to see that rejection in one situation does not make you isolated from the rest of the world.

My book "From the victim of circumstances into a free person" Download for free!

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